Mr. "I Don't Want To Date You, Really"

If I say his words and his actions conflict in a major way, is there a guy that pops into your head? We all know this guy. I have a life mission to fix every guy like this. One of my favorite things is to see how fast I can make him change his mind about his words. It's kind of a hobby. I don't like to be told no. Actually, I quite detest it. It just gets me even more fired up to change his mind, and make him wrong about us. So, I'd like to introduce you to my toughest case yet. Ladies and gentlemen, please meet Mr. " I Don't Want To Date You, Really".

 Great body, an orthopaedic surgeon, and an ego fit to fuel an entire army, he's the type to: call you sexy repeatedly and then inform you that he doesn't want you to date you just as often, ask you to hang out and then invite everyone in his phone book to come join in, and ask for a back scratch... Over and over again...

The first night we met, there was a very obvious tension between us. Things were pretty crazy from the get go. I'd never been flirted with like this. Then, suddenly, he took a complete turn. "I don't want to date you, we're just friends" became his personal mantra. He texted me all day and then called me as soon as he was off work more often than not. He always wanted to hang out. We spent so many late nights talking about deep things like emotions and religion. He was truly concerned about me, in more than a friend way. I could barely handle the mixed signals, and that ever present phrase was always lurking in the shadows.

Being completely head over heels for the guy, I chose to read way too far into everything that happened. It's really hard to unlike someone, and I was pretty dang confidant that I could change his mind. Time and time again I had the same result with him. Finally my ten year old cousin cornered my and informed me: "You like him. He doesn't like you. Why do you want to hang out with him so much?" Wow. Ouch. So i called him, to discuss as friends. And I ended up pouring my heart out. And you know what he said? He said: "You have gotten yourself in to this situation completely on your own, and I will not accept any blame or take part in this at all. I was honest with you the whole time, it's not my fault if you made something up in your head."

And then he said: "But i definitely hope we can still be friends..."

Here are some of his finest moments:
"We're just friends, and that's all we ever will be."
"Will you scratch my back?"
"Just because you're not good enough for me doesn't mean you're not good enough for someone else."
"It's so sexy when you wear those boots with a skirt."
"I feel like such a stud because you're only 19."

Here's to all the single ladies. Because we don't want to play games.

Knight In Shining Armor or Fool In Wrinkly Tinfoil?

You know that boy that changed your life? The one relationship that altered your outlook on every other relationship, formed who you are, and permanently adjusted everything you previously thought about men? We all have one. I met a guy... Or so the story goes. He rocked the very foundation my world was oh-so-firmly planted on. Never before, and never again, will a man effect me the way I let him. Here goes nothing. Freshly out of high school, very newly single, and looking for a new adventure, I spent almost all of my time searching high and low for my next adrenaline rush. And then my best friend casually suggested I meet this guy. The first time we met, I didn't say more than three words. There was so much to take in. From his big diesel truck and cowboy boots to his pierced ears, messy blonde hair and sunglasses, there wasn't a thing I disliked. He may as well have been on a horse, gleaming in he sun. I was hooked. He was different from any guy I'd ever wanted, so bold and dangerously sexy. We were in constant communication from the beginning, practically inseparable. All dreams come to an end, though, and mine was cut short exactly one week later.

 He ditched me with no notice and left me hanging by myself for the first time a week to the day after we met. He called to say he was on his way and then just... Never came. Five hours later I received a nonchalant text message. Red flag number one, but of course I forgave him. After an amazing weekend, we repeated the pattern. From that first time he made me sob uncontrollably, my life was never the same. I spent more time aimlessly driving in the middle of the night, wandering around on random walking trails, and sitting in scenic lookout points than there were hours in the day. I waited on pins and needles for him to summon me, knowing my desire to see him didn't make a lick of difference. And that was just the way it was.

 Being head over heels for an egotistical scumbag is never easy. I responded to every late night call and random request, hoping that he'd love me back soon. Four months in to this hot pathetic mess, dynamics changed. He had decided to move to North Carolina to work the oil rigs, and he had decided he wanted a girlfriend waiting at home for him. And so, I was granted an official title. For a whopping six days, I had everything I wanted. Never in life have I hated texting as much as I did that night, when I read his cowardly "we need to just be friends" message. We went two weeks without talking until his best friends informed him I was still an emotional train wreck and had cut off all my hair. He came swooping back into my life like every prince charming should. When he rolled up in front of my house the rumble of his engine captured my attention and his all consuming kiss stole my breath. Until he decided he didn't like how much he liked me. And that was that.

 I endured six of the most excruciating months of my life, and then I realized he was just a stupid fool in tinfoil, so I moved my pathetic and shattered heart across the country. From August to December, he left and came back a grand total of eight times. It takes a lot to pick up the pieces from such thorough emotional, physical, and verbal abuse. I discovered that two months of recovery isn't enough when he called me two days ago. He loves me now. Wants me to come home, settle down, and take care of him like I did so well. And you know what I have to say to him? Six months was too much, you had your chance, and I am home and happy here without you. I'm just not that girl anymore.

 It hurts like ripping open a week old wound, feels fresh and real enough to have happened yesterday, and will never completely go away. But I'm stronger now, and I'm refined. Diamonds are beautiful in the rough, but isn't majestic what a little heat and pressure can do?

 Here's to all the single ladies. Because if he didn't want you then, he sure as heck doesn't deserve you now.

Mr. "You're My #2"

We all have romantic histories. That is something that is inevitable. Even if the history is a lack of history, it's still significant. Our histories and experiences have a large influence in shaping who we are today, especially where relationships are concerned. While we all can acknowledge this is factual, that doesn't mean we want to hear about the past. I am a very jealous person when it comes to my boyfriend's exes. I can't handle them. At all. I will not be compared to them or spoken to about them, and definitely won't tolerate them still being in the picture. That being said, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. "You're My Number Two".

Handsome, in the Army, and just a bit too into himself, he's the type to: leave all the lights on during a movie, use everything you ever said to him as an inside joke when other people are around, and always hang out but never date or pay for anything.

I had only been in my new house for four days when I went to a church meeting and met this guy. The first words he said to me we're "I need a hair cut". As a hairstylist, I have a love hate relationship with this sentence. I love to hate people who say it to me. Your needs are not my problem, especially seeing as I literally just met you. Alas, two days later he added me on facebook and asked if I would do it for him. We ended up hanging out a few times in a row. Not long after we met, he informed me that he would be leaving in about a week to special training, or something. Then he proceeded to basically ask me to wait for him, in a very round about and awkward way. We had a very premature DTR and he said a boat load of sickly sweet things. A few days later, I was kind of over it when I read a very dramatic post on Facebook that was obviously about me. I confronted him about acting like a thirteen year old girl and he proceeded to inform me the post was actually about the girl he is "in love with".

I'm sorry... Come again? Say what? Who the heck do you think you are? Never, never, never tell a girl you are trying to woo that you are in love with another girl.

Anyway, I informed him that I was done and he responded by driving twenty minutes to my house at two thirty in the morning and sitting there for half an hour while calling me ten million times and trying to get me to come talk to him. A few days later he left. I received a giant text informing me that I was a very special girl and he was sorry I unfairly denied him the chance to explain himself face to face. Oh, and he hopes, through all of our differences, that we can still "be friends". The end!

Here are a few of my favorite quotes:
"So... Do you still cut hair?"
"Want to hang out tomorrow? What about the next day too?"
"If you were a diamond in the rough, you'd be at least a 40 C."
"I even brought you taco bell because I didn't know how else to fix this."
"Thankfully the call to war has made it easy for me to disappear from your life."

Here's to all the single ladies. Because we deserve to be #1.

The "Let's Be Friends" Epidemic

Raise your hand if you are so done hearing the phrases "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" and "Let's just be friends, ok?". Did you? Because my hand is way way up and waving around like a lunatic. Two months ago I moved across the country. Since then I have heard these words from... Wait for it... FOUR GUYS! Before a DTR, before a date, even before hanging out these men feel it necessary to proclaim their desire for a bachelor lifestyle. Really? Why is it so strange to date casually? I'm not looking for a contract. I don't even want you to call me the next day. Casual dating is a good time, and everyone should be into it. Boys: Here's a challenge. Go find a girl that you are not romantically interested in, but genuinely enjoy talking to. Take her to a local comedy club. Enjoy yourself. Girls: Here's a challenge. Stop being so clingy and eager to "define the relationship". Just let him take you out, and quit obsessing.

For your entertainment, I will be highlighting each of my very special "friends". Nobody I know will be reading this, so I am safe being totally candid, although still anonymous. These boys are getting out of control with their egos, their hair, and their female versions of prince charming. I am a woman, not your personal masseuse, chef, or maid. You are not doing me a favor by allowing me to be your friend. Want special treatment? Earn it.

Here's to all the single ladies. Because we don't need any more "friends".